“Saw 387″ or “The Morning After”

Nov 11 2009

I woke up fully dressed and in a dark room I didn’t recognize.  I couldn’t find a door.  My first impression was that I had woken up on the set of the next edition of the Saw series.  After sighing at the realization that this meant there would be yet another Saw movie– terror set in as I looked for any indication of the crazy clown dude.  Relief came when portraits tipped me off to whose house I was in, and then I remembered why I was there. Nevertheless, the issue at hand was still that I had a full bladder in a doorless room.  I considered the bowl that had been placed by the futon– and was probably meant for other bodily fluids– but I pressed on until I found the door.  Further anxiety ensued when I realized that I had no idea what was on the other side of that door.  I didn’t remember coming through it the first time.  For all I knew, crazy clown dude– I’m sure he has a name, but I won’t dignify Saw with a bit of research– could be on the other side.

Long story short, I weighed the possible consequences of going through, and of not going through the door and I chose to open it.  That went smoothly; I found the bathroom and, soon, my way home.  However, the ache I still had in my head was only surpassed in magnitude by the suck in the Seahawks when they allowed 17 unanswered points to the Detroit Lions later that day.

And this is why I think that next year, the Tri-Cities Wine Festival should put a warning in bold print on their program for the public tasting after listing the 387 wines on pour that you should not, under any circumstance, try them all.

So maybe I’m exaggerating (me? never!), but I do think I got Palatebomb’s money’s worth on Saturday night at the Three Rivers Convention Center.  At first I was a bit overwhelmed by the sight of nearly a hundred wineries pouring in one room, but it didn’t take long to embrace it with my Palatebomb chums.

Seeing all sorts of wineries I had never heard of, and not knowing where to start, I just followed Claire and tasted what she tasted, usually reacting with a yea or nay.  She reacted by breaking my glass.  We tried wines from interesting places like San Juan Island and wines with interesting main ingredients like mead wine, made from honey.

Although my reviews of the wines were so succinct and monotonous that they brought Claire to laughter several times, I apparently have a nose for judging them– or at least a nose for finding the best in show.  While waiting in line to taste from its much busier neighbor, I lost patience, and said that we should taste Upland Winery’s instead.  Minutes later, Upland’s 2007 Malbec was announced as Best in Show for the event.  Congratulations to Upland.  I think this calls for a trip to Sunnyside (and not much does).

As I watched swarms move to the spot in front of Upland where we had just vacated, I realized this meant all the wines had been judged.  So someone, no, someones, had actually tasted all 387 wines.  Now, I showed livestock as a kid, so I’m familiar with this show and be judged format.  But I would hate to be a livestock judge who wanders upon a wine festival and thinks about his or her job in comparison to that of a wine judge.  The former gets to stare at pig butts on a hot summer day, for that entire summer day, only to get dirty looks from the parents of all the kids who didn’t win.  Their dinner consists of a funnel cake, a deep-fried Snickers and some much-too-sweet lemonade.  The judges at the wine festival?  Apparently they get to taste 387 wines, probably in some hotel suite, because I never saw them.  And they probably got to chase all the wine with the delicious hors d’oeuvres provided by such restaurants as Picazo 7Seventeen and Anthony’s.  I guess they taste blindly, without knowledge of the winery that entered each wine.  So the only dirty look on this night was not directed at the judges, but at me, and came from a high school friend who made it just before looking away quickly and pretending not to see me.  Nice to see you too.

Kudos to the Tri-Cities Wine Society on their biggest wine festival yet.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself and everyone I talked to seemed to as well.  I just have one suggestion to make it better next year.  I would recommend inviting a certain wine judge I know.  I’ll give you his contact details later, but for now I’ll give you a hint as to his name.  It starts with a “D” and ends with an “an Ophardt”.  I can’t really tell you why he would make the festival better, but I have a feeling he would eagerly accept any offer.  If nothing else, just let him know how it’s possible to try 387 wines without dying.  He would sure love to try it.